I can still remember the wide eyed wonder I held when the circus came to town in my childhood. The old Memorial Stadium in St. John's was transformed into a ring of spectacle with clowns leaping about amusing the crowd, decorated horses running the circle and windjammers playing rapid-fire music. I was transfixed and amazed by something that ran the edge of manic and menacing. After the performances, rides on the camels were being sold and touch the elephants invitations were shared with the crowds. Everyone flocked to the stadium floor, stepping through the hay hoping for an exotic interlude with these creatures that were far from the the lure of the North East Atlantic. I remember clearly the powerful stature, the knowing eyes and the tough, wrinkled skin of the elephants. These majestic creatures were like nothing I had ever imagined before.
I've been thinking about elephants a lot lately. Traditionally they are a symbol of peace and harmony representing wisdom, strength and mental calmness. Generally elephants reside in a positive light, yet if they turn up charging in your dreams, get ready, burdens and challenges reportedly await you. Lately, I’ve found the old adage of 'the elephant in the room' stomping through my thoughts—impossible to ignore and demanding to be acknowledged. The elephant in the room refers to the obvious problem or difficult situation that people may not want to talk about or acknowledge. It is the event or thing that is easier to side step around or even avoid all together. This metaphorical idiom speaks to the issue that everyone is aware of but no one wants to discuss it. Yet sometimes the elephant is so large that it cannot be ignored. So why is it that some individuals and some teams can speak to the elephant in the room and help it pass through without collateral damage? Why is it that others cannot, normalizing the noisy elephant stomping around in the background as it takes permanent residence?
Sometimes, we find ourselves tiptoeing around certain issues or individuals. Right or wrong, the reality is that the elephant in the room exists—and at some point, it deserves to be acknowledged. Adversity and tricky situations require difficult conversations. Most educators are conditioned to please, to serve and to help. We chose to enter a profession that is human centred and growth oriented. Conflict resolution and quagmires of disagreement were not drivers for career selection for public school educators. Yet the circus of life's surprises, economic spins and political shifts, many Canadian educators are pressed to reassess and relearn how to find opportunities in conflict. This latest spin focuses on the kinds of support educators need when navigating conflict—because sometimes, the elephant in the room just needs to cross the road.
Several years ago my colleagues and I had the treat of working with the Roy Group. Strategies were learned and complex conversations were skillfully coached by experts in the field of mediation. As we move towards the end of the school year in British Columbia, this is the perfect time to resurface those learnings so that we better serve our communities and help the elephant cross the street safely with grace and dignity.
#1: Don't Ignore the Elephant in the Room - Are we in this together?
Thinking about "position-ality" matters. A position is a belief or statement about what one wants the outcome/solution of a conflict to be. Maintaining a balance between proposing a solution and recognizing the underlying interests, needs, or concerns it represents demands educational perseverance and insight.Training the brain to look behind the position at play and towards delving into identifying the actual need requires educators to pause and ask themselves what are the interests at play. This is where gifting yourself with a reflective moment to jot down and identify perspectives can be helpful, as the act of short form note taking by naming the interests can help provide clarity.
"Speak for Yourself" is a Roy Group strategy educators can use to quickly assess how big the oppportunity in conflict may be. It is a simple, 3-step, no cost way to create a structured approach to filling in the gaps between experience and emotion. This is helpful because when emotions are the driver of conflict, resolution can be wickedly difficult to achieve. The following 3P scaffold outlines the relationship between cause and effect helping educators assess the practical impact of behaviours and emotions.
Problem: Name behaviour (When...)
Perspective: Describe emotions (I feel/My experience is...)
Practicality: Explain impact (Because...)
Source: A. Daniel & A. Estey, ©Roy Group
It is important to note that understanding and agreeing are not the same, while compassionate leadership is important it is not about getting to "yes" in conflict. It is about getting to a better space of possible.
#2: Inviting the Elephant to the Table - How much is too much?
To invite the elephant to the table requires naming the avoided or unspoken issues. This is not an easy task especially for adults who may not appear to have shared interests. One strategy for finding a common interest is identifying "what you need" and "what I need." By putting your own issues on the table and strategically focusing on intentions and impacts can help with finding a place to meet in the middle. Without strategic thinking, clear intentions, and a willingness to engage, complex issues and interpersonal conflict can feel overwhelming or even impossible to resolve. So, how do we know when inviting the elephant to the table becomes too much?
- Too Many Elephants in the Room
When too many issues are raised at once, the conversation becomes overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. Slowing down to articulate goals, hopes and actions requires educators to be uber organized in order to streamline key priorities in a landscape where everything matters. - The Elephant Starts Trumpeting
When the discussion turns into venting, it loses focus and becomes unproductive. Establishing norms for appropriate interpersonal communications requires educators to clearly articulate expectations for healthy interpersonal behaviour. - The Elephant Stomps on Safety
When psychological safety is compromised, people may shut down or disengage entirely. There are many misconceptions about what psychological safety is in the workplace is. It's purpose is to enhance learning and performance, and it is a research based attribute of transformative, high performing teams. Psychological safety is not a shield from accountability rather it offers a blueprint for productive, learning-oriented working environments (A. Edmondson, 2024) . - The Elephant Gets Personal
When the conversation shifts from professional concerns to personal attacks, trust erodes quickly. Finger pointing and equating professional work to personal faults quickly fragments teams limiting their capacity to achieve goals. This is particularly true in uncertain times when fiscal or political realities surpass the controls of the individual team and complex conversations about priorities ensue. Careful professional sensitivity is particularly important when the elephant steers towards some more than others. - The Elephant Isn’t Welcome Yet
When timing is off or participants aren’t ready, even well-intentioned conversations can backfire. The old adage of "timing is everything" stands true. Pacing and slowing down conversations is particularly important when the proverbial table has not yet been set. Thoughtful educators need to consider the menu, the seating arrangement, and the needs of each guest to ensure a welcoming, safe and enjoyable meal for all. - The Elephant Leaves Without a Plan
When bringing up the issue without a clear path forward can leave people feeling exposed, vulnerable and unsettled. Unresolved issues can negatively impact workplace culture and climate, as well as interpersonal relationships. Acknowledging the effort of all involved and moving towards a plan requires willingness, collaboration and sensitivity. Put the focus on where the work belongs and chart the course with intention, purpose and clarity. Everyone has a role to play in finding solutions, the elephant can't just trample through the room unchecked; it too must take responsibility for the cleanup.
When things fall apart naming the dynamic you are observing and re-stating your intentions can help with clarifying understandings, agreements and disagreements. When humans feel understood, then interpersonal interactions generally become more productive and positive. Sometimes you get to the end of a conversation and realize that by sharing you have cleared the air, it's done and the elephant has moved out of your pathway forward. Sometimes when emotions are hot, finding shared interests and identifying the problem to be solved becomes a monstrous task with elephant blocking the pathway forward. Like guiding an elephant with care, skilled and sensitive educators help lead the way—ensuring every voice is heard and respected.
#3: Seeing the Elephant: Where do we go from here?
Acknowledging what is often left unsaid is an important faucet of conflict resolution. If there is an imbalance of power in your conversation on your team, then the elephant will continue to return, slipping silently into conversations and stomping around in the background. Realize that not every team is really a team is also important. Ask yourself if the teams you work on are really in this together, if not then be brave enough to ask why. A true team requires time together as well as physical space for ongoing meaningful collaboration and continued relational safety. High performing teams feel a deep sense of trust knowing that respective interests are valued and heard without predetermined filters for conversation in place. High performing teams spend time together thinking deeply by inviting difficult conversations into the room. When communication is based on fixed positions the deep work of collaboratively listening and authentically learning together, teams run the danger of moving too fast, missing opportunities and fracturing relationships. Some of the most impactful work in education arises from thoughtful collaboration and communication between educators and their communities. By cultivating the conditions for meaningful dialogue in our schools, we can create calm learning environments where even the elephants can find space for quiet reflection and the sharing of wisdom.
The elephant in the room deserves airtime and recognition. Educators who can acknowledge the elephant in the room with courage and compassion are able to open the door to deeper understanding, collective growth, and meaningful change. As this latest spin wraps, ask yourself what elephants are present in your own spaces and what might change if you invited them into the conversation?
Author's Note: In the spirit of writer's integrity, Copilot was used to assist with editing parts of this spin. Also a special thank you to Roy Group founders, Ian Chisholm and Anne-Marie Daniel for their inspiration, intelligence and insight.