Ego is a term fraught with negative misinterpretations. Being called egotistical or told that your ego is too big are messages that no leaders want to hear. But there is an important place for leadership ego and this latest spin spark is going to unpack why.

Recently I revisited Ram Dass Still Here. It left me thinking about ego and how it plays out for leaders. Daas views ego as a functional interface to how you move in the world, your identity, your roles, your likes and dislikes. Daas emphasizes that the ego's function needs to be noted but it is not a defining part of who you are.

Beyond the ego is the soul, the spirit and your deepest conscious identity. The ego is built on thoughts and stories, but you are the awareness behind them. Great leadership is not ego free, it is ego aware. The mind is a powerful thing, and the leadership mind can be even more powerful when ego meets intention and reflection.

The ego is an important part of our personality. It helps us make choices, manage our emotions, and stay grounded in reality. It helps us re-centre when things are moving too fast and our true sense of self begins to slip away. Leaders with a healthy sense of ego often demonstrate greater self-control, stronger social competence, and better situational judgment. That alone makes it worthy of a little reflection, a spark of awareness and consideration in the quiet of mid-summer.

Spin Spark #2: Leadership Ego

The desire to be seen, to be heard, to matter, and to be important runs deep in most of us, though some take it to the next level. Leadership and ego have an interesting relationship. They are intertwined in bold, brave acts, where arrogance sits on the fine edge between necessary confidence and inflated self-importance. The challenge, perhaps, is knowing when confidence serves the work and when it merely serves ourselves.

Years ago, I was involved in a situation where a previous leader wanted to attend the school's year-end celebrations. The blurred lines between their longstanding connections to the community and a year in which I had struggled to find my footing left me in a difficult position. I had to say, "No, I am sorry. This isn't the best time for an appearance." I wanted to keep the focus on the students, not on a return to the scene.

What came back my way has stayed with me. It was a pointed question: "Why? Is this about your ego?"

It left me feeling uncomfortable and defensive. It wasn't about my ego, or at least I didn't think it was. It was about timing and my rookie attempt to keep the lanes clear. Little did I know that you can't paint the lines on a road that isn't yours. Maybe it was my ego after all, feeling a little fragile after a tough first year in a community that wasn't entirely welcoming.

Now, decades later, I still remember the sting of that accusation and how uncomfortable it made me feel. Humility, apologizing, and taking the high road were ingrained in my white middle-class upbringing. Looking back, and considering how life has shifted and changed, I think differently about ego, particularly as a woman in leadership.

I pause more before I say sorry, and I'm careful to make sure that if I'm apologizing, I've actually done something worthy of an apology. Ego is part of this shift: understanding that the work and the role carry an authority that should neither be taken for granted nor understated.

When is ego helpful?

Ego is helpful when the situation and the decisions at hand require the confidence that comes from knowledge and experience. When it isn't your first rodeo, you'd better ride the bull better than you did the first time. When you have the knowledge, expertise, and resources, use them well, to serve those who trust you and to make the hard decisions when necessary.

Imposter syndrome haunts many of us. I see it as a reminder that your ego still needs to be kept in check. The world doesn't revolve around you or your decisions. Don't fool yourself into thinking it does, and don't forget that you are replaceable in your work world.

A healthy ego reminds you that some things are fleeting and some aren't. Hold tightly to the people and relationships where you are not replaceable.

When is ego harmful?

Ego is harmful when being right matters more than getting it right. We all know the "I told you so" inclination. Sometimes you watch a situation unfold, knowing full well that the outcome is unlikely to be a good one. In those moments, there are two possible paths. The first is the path of the mature leader, who looks for ways to offer feedback constructively and influence the outcome before harm is done. The second is the less mature path, where you sit back, watch it happen, and then respond with, "I told you so" or "Saw that coming."

The first approach serves the work. The second serves the ego. One is rooted in a desire to help; the other in a desire to be proven right. Leadership requires us to choose the harder path, even when no one notices and even when our advice isn't taken.

Ego is harmful when feedback feels like a threat rather than a helping hand. When every move you make becomes something you have to defend, explain, or position, growth becomes difficult. Collaboration is nearly impossible in this space. Most leaders have experienced situations where they realize the end goal is not truly shared, or where the conditions for honest dialogue and productive disagreement simply do not feel safe.

Ego is harmful when your title becomes your identity. In a recent conversation with a colleague, I found myself thinking about the why alongside the who in my professional life. There is a cost when your work begins to define how you see yourself in the world. Perhaps the answer isn't to reject our ambition, but to reframe our perspective, let go of what no longer serves us, and recalibrate our sense of self.

Leadership Ego: The Reframe

My 14-year-old nephew recently asked me what I did for work. I told him my job title, and his response was, "What does that even mean?" Perhaps it was my summer brain misfiring, or perhaps it was a bigger realization, but I couldn't answer him. What surprised me wasn't that he didn't understand the title. What surprised me was how much of my identity had become wrapped up in being able to say it.

I am still processing that conversation and what it suggests about how much of my identity has become tied to my work. Leadership has been a significant part of my life for a long time, and with that comes a tendency to let the work take up more space than it should. The reminder for me is that I am more than a job title. I am also a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and an auntie. Those identities deserve the same care and attention that I so willingly give to my work.

When we stop making room for ourselves outside of our work, we also risk failing to make room for others within it. Organizations move on. Leaders come and go. Just as a job title cannot fully describe who you are, your voice should not fill every silence or overshadow the voices around you. Leadership is not about taking up all of the space; it is about creating space for others to grow, contribute, and be seen. Recentring yourself requires a depth of self-awareness, and a deeper consideration of what it means to lead without always being at the centre.

Three questions to ponder in the reframe are:

1. Where is my confidence serving the work, and where might it be serving me?
2. What space am I occupying, and what space am I creating for others?
3. When I am setting priorities and organizing my time, do my choices reflect what matters most?

Leadership Ego: The Let Go

For many women in leadership, the equity scale is not balanced. The sacrifices required to earn a seat at the table can make identity and profession deeply intertwined. Untangling the two is not easy. In fact, after years of striving, juggling, and proving yourself, it can be one of the hardest things to do.

I want to be respectful and make space for my male colleagues because the struggle to succeed is real across all genders. However, I do believe that many professional women carry a unique double-edged sword. Motherhood, daughterhood, and care-based relationships can weigh heavily, adding layers of emotional complexity to leadership roles. There is often an expectation to be fully present professionally while also carrying the delicate weight of family responsibility.

I used to think you could do it all. Some days, I still do. But with experience has come a greater awareness of the cost.

Asking yourself what you need to release is an important part of ego care. Holding onto grudges, or anchoring your expectations in what you believe you deserve, can be dangerous places for leaders to land. There is a difference between working hard and finding success through that hard work, and working hard while expecting a particular outcome.

Letting go of expectations does not mean your hopes and dreams evaporate. It means making room for the many valid dimensions of achievement and recognizing that success can arrive in forms you never anticipated.

Three questions to ponder in the let go are:

1. How much of my identity is tied to my title, position, or professional accomplishments?
2. Who am I when I am not leading, fixing, solving, or producing? Am I okay with that person? If not, why?
3. What relationships, interests, or parts of myself deserve more attention than they are currently getting?

Leadership Ego: The Calibrate

Recalibration is important. Asking yourself what adjustments need to be made to keep moving forward is another dimension of healthy ego care. Knowing why you are making the choices you are making, thinking realistically about what is at stake, and managing the big feelings that come with those decisions are all hallmarks of experienced leadership. These capacities develop over time through self-awareness, reflection, and a deeper understanding of the impact of your choices. They help you stay grounded in what matters most.

Learning to recalibrate is a skill that can be developed and supported. This is where mentorship becomes important. Having ongoing, honest conversations with trusted colleagues who understand the complexity of leadership, and its impact on our well-being, matters. Learning to listen, reflect, and lead through complexity is not something that happens in isolation.

Whether through formal mentorship opportunities or trusted relationships that provide safe spaces to share, question, and process decisions, these connections are not simply helpful, they are essential. Hearing different perspectives and being challenged by thoughtful questions sharpens our decision-making and supports a healthy, grounded ego.

Three questions to ponder in the calibrate are:

1. Am I listening to understand, or listening to respond and defend?
2. When was the last time I genuinely changed my mind because of someone else's perspective?
3. Am I creating space for others to contribute, or am I unconsciously filling the space myself?

Alright, this wraps Spin Spark #2, a short reflection on ego and healthy hubris in leadership. When we tap into the courage to examine our ego with honesty and humility, we create space for leadership that is both effective and deeply human. Whether leadership is part of your title or simply part of how you show up in the world, knowing yourself is key to leading others well and staying grounded in what is right, even when it is hard.

Author's Note: Once again, in the spirit of author integrity, I note that my Copilot AI thought partner assisted with soft-touch editing and grammatical revisions to assist with publication.