This summer has been an awesome collection of train, plane, and automobile adventures. I've travelled a lot and logged plenty of miles in the air, on the rails, and behind the wheel.
Spending that much time in transit left me with some solid space for reflection. One thing I kept noticing, and thinking about, was the speed of human reactions.
The world is a busy, beautiful, and complicated place, and in the heat of summer, emotions seem to run especially hot. There is a contradiction between what some would call the lazy days of summer and the increasingly heated antics of adults lately. I know for most of us in public education, the lazy days of summer will soon fade away as we rev up for the new school year, but hopefully something in this spin will resonate as we reset for the adventures to come. The title for this spin isn't where I originally thought I was headed. I started with "Calm the * Down," but the more I reflected, the more I kept coming back to one simple idea - not every emotion gets to drive.
To be fair, these observations have left me looking in the mirror as much as I have looked around. Please don't get me wrong. I certainly don't want to sound self-righteous, and I fully admit that I, too, get pulled into a little emotional road play from time to time. Getting stuck in traffic is always a drag, as is searching for the perfect spot to park in a full lot. But there is a line that I feel is being crossed far too swiftly these days. As adults, we need to ease up on the gas because there are always younger eyes watching and learning from our choices.
The follwing are three recent experiences that have left me wondering if we are handing our emotions the keys too quickly, and if so how can we slow down, park some of the intensity and let humanity take the wheel.
Red Light #1: The Helpful Honk
My daughter and I were driving through our quiet neighbourhood in late July when we stopped at a two-way stop. It was early in the morning. There was no traffic, the sun was shining, and a driver making a very wide left turn came within centimetres of hitting our car. I honked in an attempt to warn her, and within a nanosecond she responded by flipping me the middle finger.
Yikes.
It was an intense reaction and, honestly, a confusing one. I was left speechless, and my fourteen-year-old daughter was equally shocked. In fact, we're still talking about how intense her reaction was to what I had intended as a helpful honk.
Red Light #2: The Horn Happy Bus Driver
A few days later, some friends and I were on a bus heading downtown. The traffic was super light, but the bus driver seemed unusually amped up. I do not want to pass judgment because keeping on schedule while navigating a large vehicle through downtown Vancouver cannot be easy. However, this driver was seriously horn-happy and pedal-heavy, weaving in and out of lanes like Verstappen and making it clear to everyone around him that he was frustrated. The aggression was so constant and uncomfortable that we quickly, and gladly, got off the bus a few stops early.
Red Light #3: The Sea-to-Sky Salute
Driving the Sea-to-Sky Highway is always stunning, but navigating around speeders can feel like a serious act of faith. Over the years, I have collected more than a few single-fingered gestures from drivers frustrated by my admittedly "mostly" respectful adherence to the speed limit. Honestly, it always amazes me how people can be so angry on such a breathtaking stretch of road. I cannot count the number of times someone has ridden my tail or flashed their high beams in an apparent attempt to encourage me to drive faster when I am already travelling at the posted speed limit. What shaving a minute or two off the journey is worth, I am never quite sure.
So, where is this spin going? How do these driving sagas connect, and what does any of this have to do with leadership?
This summer has provided plenty of opportunities for reflection. As I've moved from place to place, I have been struck by the importance of slowing down to speed up. Slowing down to think more clearly so that our impact is not accidental or harmful. Slowing down to treat others with patience, grace, and kindness, on the road and off. Collecting slow moments so that when things start moving fast, I'm able to pull back, ease off the gas, or tap the brakes to keep everyone safe.
These experiences have me thinking about the delicate relationship between anger and response, between swift reflex and thoughtful choice. Lately, I've found myself wondering why frustration seems so close to the surface for so many people, and what leaders can learn from those moments when emotions threaten to take the wheel.
Green Light: When Emotions Threaten to Take the Wheel
This spin is my attempt to park the difference between reacting and responding. The difference may only be a few seconds in real time, but it can determine the quality of relationships, conversations, climate, and culture. Leadership lives in the space between what has happened and how we choose to respond. Emotional reactivity is part of the human condition, but great leaders create enough space between the trigger and the response to choose their next move thoughtfully.
So what causes people to react so swiftly and strongly? What can we do to slow the intensity of emotions that will inevitably begin accelerating as our schools reopen in a few weeks?
When Anger Takes the Wheel
Swift and strong reactions tend to emerge when anger takes the wheel. Anger is an important emotion, and not necessarily a bad one. It is rooted in the brain's natural warning system and can be triggered by internal or external events. Anger is our built-in warning signal that something isn't working for us, letting us know that something feels unfair, threatening, frustrating, or out of alignment with our values. The challenge is not the emotion of anger itself but learning how to manage it before it manages you.
Anger and impulsivity are closely connected, and both have an important relationship with stress. When we are under pressure, our capacity for patience, perspective, and self-regulation can shrink. Learning to slow down, process our reactions, and regulate our emotions takes intentional practice.
This is particularly important for leaders because the demands of leadership can be stressful by nature. When anger takes the wheel, the consequences can include damaged relationships, poor decision-making, and reputational harm. There is also a well-established connection between chronic stress, dysregulated behaviour, and poor health. Put simply, a leadership style driven by anger is rarely a road to longevity.
As I have shared before, I am a longstanding fan of Stuart Shanker's research. His thoughts on the stress cycle and reframing stress behaviour have an important place in this spin. I appreciate Shanker's reminders that there is a difference between stress behaviour and hot reactions.
Shanker's research on the grey brain helps explain what can happen when stress and anger escalate. Along with Susan Hopkins, he describes the grey brain as the ancient brain stem that takes over during an emergency or when we become overwhelmed. In his colour-coded model, blue is calm and regulated, red is fight-or-flight, and grey is full survival mode where rational thinking starts to shut down.
Getting annoyed at fellow drivers shouldn't automatically activate the grey brain, but lately it sure seems to. Screaming at fellow drivers, intense gesturing, and losing the ability to process, reason, or find appropriate language are all pretty solid indicators that the grey brain has taken the wheel. In full honesty, we all experience these emotional shades as we travel the roads of relationships, both personally and professionally. The human brain is reactive by nature, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It helps us respond to the world around us in real time and serves as an important protective mechanism. It also helps us gauge our relationships, find meaning, and experience joy with others.
So, in the spirit of this spin, what do you do when the grey brain takes the wheel?
When Calm Takes the Wheel
Just as calm drivers are needed on our roadways, calm leaders are needed in our public institutions. Moving toward calm is a leadership attribute that does not dismiss the reality of big feels. Great leaders are not those who never feel anger, impatience, or frustration. Great leaders learn, through experience, that not every feeling deserves the keys. They learn to create a little space between what happens to them and what they do next. It sounds simple. It isn't.
The driving analogy that I've played with throughout this spin is an important one to me personally. My eldest daughter is moving toward getting her driver's licence. Of all the things in parenthood, I admit this next phase probably scares me the most. Not because she isn't a capable beginning driver, but because of the others on the road who may not be as conscientious, cautious, or considerate.
Calm leaders tend to get better results under pressure. Their ability to move through complexity with a calm presence creates psychological safety for others. Usually, this type of leadership leads to problem-solving and finding safe exit points from conflict.
Holding the keys to calm leadership requires that we:
- Map your journey.
Mapping out the journey pushes leaders to be not just organized or even calculated, but honestly human, recognizing their limits and following a journey map that may not be the course they initially set out to take, but one they now find themselves on. Figuring out which brain pathway is firing up, grey, red, or blue, can gift you some perspective when the engine starts heating up.
Mapping your journey isn't just about having an agenda or a plan. It involves understanding your social and relational presence on different roadways. Knowing when to stay in your lane and when to invite someone else to take the wheel, if you're tired or maxed out, are significant parts of emotional regulation and strong, lasting leadership.
This level of self-awareness, particularly when under situational or social pressure, is complex. It requires reading the room, preparing for potentially difficult conversations, and recognizing when your presence or perspective is helping move things forward, and when it may be getting in the way.
Mapping the journey challenges leaders to be more than organized or strategic. It asks them to be honestly human, recognizing their limits and adapting to a route that may differ from the one they initially set out to take. Leadership learning rarely follows the perfect path and happens frequently on unexpected roads.
Understanding which brain pathway is beginning to fire, whether grey, red, or blue, can offer valuable perspective when the engine starts to heat up. It creates an opportunity to pause, recalibrate, and respond with intention rather than simply react.
- Check your mirrors.
Sometimes you have to look back while you are moving ahead. Side mirrors are an essential tool when driving, helping us understand what is happening around us and what might be approaching from behind. In doing so, you might discover something you missed. Or you might even need to fully stop, back up, and readjust everything about the drive ahead.
Leaders who fail to check their mirrors can wind up missing important parts of the journey that brought them to this point. Situational awareness is key to understanding the why in leadership.
While mirrors reflect our physical presence, there is a deeper layer to this analogy. It urges us to consider how we feel about our decisions and whether we have taken the time to look in the mirror as part of the decision-making process. There is a moral and ethical dimension to checking the mirrors that is essential in leadership. Recognizing whether blind spots exist can only happen when we check our mirrors and honestly accept that we may have missed something important.
Leaders who check their mirrors are thinking about who and what is around them, ensuring important details and considerations are not missed. Again, the phrase slowing down to go fast requires a deeper awareness of the situation, context, and relationships that impact our decisions and the people we have been entrusted to lead thoughtfully and safely.
- Watch your speed.
The African proverb, "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together," comes to mind when I think about the relationship between speed and leadership. While there are absolutely times when decisions require swift responses, most decisions deserve time and deeper consideration. In leadership circles, we often talk about the 24-48 hour rule to ensure decisions are parked in the thoughtful-response lane rather than taking the reacting-forcefully exit. Bringing trusted colleagues into your decision-making process is always a safer driving strategy. Making sure that you are not off-roading is important, both as a protective measure and as an assurance that your decision-making is on track.
Speed is a complicated topic. Many of us love the feel of speed, whether it is through sports and recreation or on an open country road. There is no question that going fast provides a quick endorphin rush. Recognizing where you are on the leadership odometer is important. Knowing how quickly you can accelerate matters when working through crises and urgent situations, and knowing how to decelerate is equally important. You have to find the rate of change that matches your context and the humans you are serving. Not every situation needs a full-throttle response, but some do.
Minding the speed limits matters. Leaders have to be aware of the many dimensions of both the current road and the road ahead. Constraints and boundaries, like speed limits, are society's way of maintaining order and protecting other drivers. In leadership, ensuring the grey and red brain are not taking the wheel requires leaders who are self-aware, situationally aware, and able to watch their speed in order to do the work they have been assigned and care for those they have been entrusted to lead.
This spin is really a reminder to us all to watch how we drive, because whether we are at the wheel, in the boardroom, or leading a team, someone is always riding alongside us. If the idea that not every emotion gets to drive sticks with you when emotions begin to accelerate, then perhaps it has served its purpose.
Author's Note: This spin started with a different title and ended up taking a slightly different route, but I hope we arrived at the same place. For many of us, there is nothing more frustrating than being told to "just calm down." For those of us who naturally move fast, think fast, and care deeply, emotions are often connected to things we really care about. The reality, however, is that not every emotion gets to take the wheel.
And, in the spirit of transparency, I used Microsoft Copilot to assist with light editing and flow throughout this spin.